It started back at the end of October when our dear friend Chris Nichols packed what little belongings he had and ventured over the pond to a little place called Australia. For the next 4 months, dear Nichols would wake up early dig ditches and lay pipe (that’s what she said) in 100 degree heat, pretty much the equivalent of the lowest paid day laborer here in the U S of A.

My friends, the long wait is over.

Conservatism is all about restraint and moderation, and this issue is where my real conservative streak kicks in: preserving anonymous gay sex for future genrations of bathroom pirates. Myself, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and Jeff Gannon are starting an anti-gay marriage advocacy group comprised entirely of man-craving Republicans just like us. We shall be called the “Foot Tappers.” Our first meeting is this Friday at Cavern and we are going to try to raise enough money to have the brave pioneer of homosexual bathroom sex, George Michael, play our Gentleman’s Ball we are throwing in December. When you get to Cavern, go to the back, gently knock four times on the men’s room door, and then slide your fingers underneath it. I’ll be the guy sitting on the john with the “wide stance.”

What’s up my fellow “homies”? I’m Mike Nifong, former prosecutor assigned to the Duke Lacrosse rape case. As you may already know, I have recently been disbarred for breaking over two dozen rules of professional conduct while prosecuting the case. Since apparently I am no longer permitted to pervert justice, I’m gonna get perveted in a new-and-improved way! I got a new job makin skin flicks at Hustler through my new stripper friend, and unlike my case against the Duke Lacrosse players, my films got plenty of DNA evidence flyin around! AWWW SKEET SKEET SKEET!

Yes, on Friday morning Walton and Elizabeth will officially become
homeowners in the Oakhurst neighborhood. In traditional Oakhurst fashion, and in accordance with Section 8(c)(iii) of the Oakhurst City Code, Walton and Liz must either publicly perform guitar and/or bongos, or, alternatively, break into someone’s home and steal an iPod. They have chosen the less dangerous route. As such, the first item on their agenda will be performing at “Steinbeck’s Jewish Pub” on Friday at 9pm. This is the first of many steps to becoming rock legends.