• 1. Drayton: Sorry, my clitoris removal “operation” is the same day. I am so fortunate to have a family that will arrange such an outstanding Eid Al Adha present. Happy Holidays to Jew all…
• 2. Red John: Unfortunately I will be in China for this festive event. But, if I Shoot my load Six times in a Chinese Hookers Hair, would that count as being there?
• 3. Jeremy: I will have to arrive a little late because I plan on lighting my menorah with the souls of the people whose money my people have taken over the year. In case you were wondering, yes it is true: I carry Jew gold around my neck and I have access to a fund that can only be opened by someone who has been cut by the hands of a mohel. Will this be a Kosher event?
• 4. Brooke: I’ll agree to coming, only after I consult my lawyer and he personally reviews this invitation. If his professional opinion is to accept this invitation, I will be there with the appropriate bells on. I love you guys!
• 5. Kyle: Somebody better get Al Sharpton on the phone.

– Most Ironic — Crawford: I like to party with those that aren’t going to hell…