Gay Marriage: It just makes my stomach turn. The thought of all those cute boys settling down with only one man is just such a shameful waste of sweet, sweet man ass that could (and should!) be shared with everyone! Where it used to be a simple toe-tap in an airport restroom meant 5-or-so minutes of hot layover man-pussy… but statistics show that the increased amount of “committment ceremonies” appears to be causing my potential pool of single-gay-guys-who-really-don’t-care-they-are-getting-it-on-near-feces to dwindle! Take it from me… it’s hard to get this going now! This is why I’ve spent a lifetime opposing gay marriage. What? You thought I was posturing for homophobic rednecks to get votes while secretly riding the hershey highway? Shoot, that would make me some kind of giant hypocrite.

Conservatism is all about restraint and moderation, and this issue is where my real conservative streak kicks in: preserving anonymous gay sex for future genrations of bathroom pirates. Myself, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and Jeff Gannon are starting an anti-gay marriage advocacy group comprised entirely of man-craving Republicans just like us. We shall be called the “Foot Tappers.” Our first meeting is this Friday at Cavern and we are going to try to raise enough money to have the brave pioneer of homosexual bathroom sex, George Michael, play our Gentleman’s Ball we are throwing in December. When you get to Cavern, go to the back, gently knock four times on the men’s room door, and then slide your fingers underneath it. I’ll be the guy sitting on the john with the “wide stance.”

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