It started back at the end of October when our dear friend Chris Nichols packed what little belongings he had and ventured over the pond to a little place called Australia. For the next 4 months, dear Nichols would wake up early dig ditches and lay pipe (that’s what she said) in 100 degree heat, pretty much the equivalent of the lowest paid day laborer here in the U S of A.

After saving enough money Nichols traveled through Australia and Thailand. With a couple of shots of penicillin, from too many Thai whores, Nichols is healthy and happy to return to the States to tell of his many adventures.

My friends, the long wait is over.

Now some of you may be reading this thinking, “Chris Nichols? I don’t even know that guy.” Whether you know him or not, you love him or hate him or just want to sleep with him (he’s totally clean now), it time that we give our adventurer a proper welcome back. The festivities will promptly commence at 10:00 pm at Manual’s Tavern.

Don’t forget to wear your finest golf attire, otherwise you begin with a two stroke penalty and will be ridiculed for the rest of the night. Look forward to seeing everyone there.

Click HERE to see the official rules and download the scorecard!

Happy golfing! Oh…. and welcome back Nichols!

Gay Marriage: It just makes my stomach turn. The thought of all those cute boys settling down with only one man is just such a shameful waste of sweet, sweet man ass that could (and should!) be shared with everyone! Where it used to be a simple toe-tap in an airport restroom meant 5-or-so minutes of hot layover man-pussy… but statistics show that the increased amount of “committment ceremonies” appears to be causing my potential pool of single-gay-guys-who-really-don’t-care-they-are-getting-it-on-near-feces to dwindle! Take it from me… it’s hard to get this going now! This is why I’ve spent a lifetime opposing gay marriage. What? You thought I was posturing for homophobic rednecks to get votes while secretly riding the hershey highway? Shoot, that would make me some kind of giant hypocrite.

Conservatism is all about restraint and moderation, and this issue is where my real conservative streak kicks in: preserving anonymous gay sex for future genrations of bathroom pirates. Myself, Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and Jeff Gannon are starting an anti-gay marriage advocacy group comprised entirely of man-craving Republicans just like us. We shall be called the “Foot Tappers.” Our first meeting is this Friday at Cavern and we are going to try to raise enough money to have the brave pioneer of homosexual bathroom sex, George Michael, play our Gentleman’s Ball we are throwing in December. When you get to Cavern, go to the back, gently knock four times on the men’s room door, and then slide your fingers underneath it. I’ll be the guy sitting on the john with the “wide stance.”

Visit Log Cabin!!!

What’s up my fellow “homies”? I’m Mike Nifong, former prosecutor assigned to the Duke Lacrosse rape case. As you may already know, I have recently been disbarred for breaking over two dozen rules of professional conduct while prosecuting the case. Since apparently I am no longer permitted to pervert justice, I’m gonna get perveted in a new-and-improved way! I got a new job makin skin flicks at Hustler through my new stripper friend, and unlike my case against the Duke Lacrosse players, my films got plenty of DNA evidence flyin around! AWWW SKEET SKEET SKEET!

Check out my new joint called “Prosecutor Pimpin 2″! Its the story of an out of control, sex-crazed D.A. that has some ’street justice’ performed on him by them sexy ho’s Roxy Reynolds and Jasmine Cashmere. In an ironic twist of fate, that dude who directed “Prosecutor Pimpin 1″ just finished law school and took a job as District Attorney. Before he left I told him to just stick to unjustly locking up poor minorities that no one gives a crap about! Apparently going after rich, privilged white kids gets Bill O’Reilly all pissed n’shit. But, hey… it turned out okay for me. I’m tappin’ all kinds of hot chocolate these days! And I don’t even play Lacrosse!!

The after-party is at my hotel room, and I’ll be providing the entertainment. I suggest you keep that bathroom door open so the Prosecutor Pimp can keep his eye on yo ass!

Yes, on Friday morning Walton and Elizabeth will officially become
homeowners in the Oakhurst neighborhood. In traditional Oakhurst fashion, and in accordance with Section 8(c)(iii) of the Oakhurst City Code, Walton and Liz must either publicly perform guitar and/or bongos, or, alternatively, break into someone’s home and steal an iPod. They have chosen the less dangerous route. As such, the first item on their agenda will be performing at “Steinbeck’s Jewish Pub” on Friday at 9pm. This is the first of many steps to becoming rock legends.

Walton is the main performer playing guitar and singing everyone’s
favorite covers from “Simon & Garfunkel” to “Pearl Jam” to “Fergie.”
And Elizabeth will be joining him for a few songs. Similar “Sonny & Cher,” “Ike and Tina” and “Wham,”. . .these two make a great duo. I understand that their finale will be the Jennifer Warnes/Bill Medley duet: “(I’ve Had) the Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing.

So join us on Friday to celebrate the weekend and support Walton “Google” Norris. He is Chuck Norris’ cousin. If this goes well they might actually PAY him to play! This money could go a long way towards supporting their chemical dependencies!

Steinbeck’s Website

Steinbeck’s Events (with them listed!)