Meet me at Manuel’s Tavern for tacos and tequila shots on Friday to celebrate Mexican Independence. Tank tops, jean shorts, and Nike shoes are preferred. Mullets receive half price on all cervesas! We will be having a raffle for a 1994 burgandy Ford Aerostar minivan with only 143,007 miles on it that has a passenger capacity of 23 (courtesy of C. Ray Hughes, Esq.). There will also be a pinata full of things like fuzzy pink dice, tassles, new tool belts, giant Nike Swoosh and Toyota stickers, and soccer balls.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) — Angelina Jolie was expected to arrive in Atlanta early Friday morning to adopt a 28-year-old Vietnamise boy on his birthday, adoption officials said. When reached for comment about his feelings on being adopted by the sex-symbol and moving to Cambodia, Brown-Jolie replied, “Hey, as long as they have Filene’s Basement, I am cool with it. Do you think they have Kenneth Cole in Cambodia? Actually, whatever… I’m going to act up like 8 times a day until I get a spanking from that skank. I’M RICH BITCH!“

I AM BAKK!!! Ramembur me? It’s Lindsay Lowhan agyen! I kant beleve its bin a hole yeer synce tha veri phirst celebryti happie hour™! As luk wood have it, I am back in Antlanta shootin the seaqwell to Whore Island. Its called Whore Island II: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Cocks. I get to cum bak to howst the won year annaversery ov CHH!! I kant wayt!!

To our special friends, please accept, with no obligation whatsoever, express or implied, an invitation to our environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, Hyper-Politically Correct, Nondenominational, Largely Unoffensive Holiday Party on this winter solstice holiday, which is, generally speaking, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.